The holidays can be full of joy, warmth, and tradition for many, but they can also bring stress, time commitments, and complicated family dynamics. Dr. Jamila Holcomb and Dr. Nari Jeter offer insights on managing stress and family dynamics during the holiday season.
The holidays can be full of joy, warmth, and tradition for many, but they can also bring stress, time commitments, and complicated family dynamics. To help families navigate the season with greater ease, Dr. Jamila Holcomb and Dr. Nari Jeter offer insights on managing stress and family dynamics during the holiday season.
Holcomb and Jeter are both licensed marriage and family therapists and teaching faculty in the Department of Human Development and Family Science at Anne’s College. Holcomb offers guidance on managing holiday stress, setting boundaries, and strengthening family connections, while Jeter provides insights on navigating holiday gatherings with romantic partners.
Why do holidays, which are supposed to be joyful, so often become stressful for families?
Holcomb: The pressure to create holiday joy or magic often results in families spending a lot of money, stressing about organizing or attending holiday events, and feeling external pressure to come together as a family, even if the family isn’t very close or has had conflict. If individuals are already stressed in trying to perform for the holiday season, this often spills over into the family system.
How can people balance time between multiple families (e.g., in-laws, divorced parents, blended families) without guilt?
Holcomb (pictured right): I think honoring that feeling is important. We often feel guilty because we want to spend time with everyone, or because we feel like we have to. If it’s the former, then perhaps stating your intentions to all family members and setting a schedule for when to see everyone. That way, everyone is aware of your goal to see as many people as possible. If it’s the latter (because you feel like you have to), then that is a great opportunity to reflect on why you feel that way. Where is the pressure coming from? Are these healthy relationships? What would the consequences be if you didn't see everyone? The results of these questions would likely indicate the need to establish healthy boundaries for yourself.
Similarly, how can couples or individuals balance their own needs with those of their family during the holidays?
Holcomb: The first step would be for a couple or an individual to sit down and write their personal expectations during the holidays. Then, they can explore how these align with or conflict with the family's expectations and have a conversation about their needs/expectations before the holiday, so that everyone is on the same page. It’s also completely appropriate to spell it out for the family. For example: “Now that I am an adult or in a partnership, I (we) am trying to find out what my own views are for the holidays. I hope we can work together to find something that feels good for all of us.”
What are some healthy ways to set boundaries with family members during the holidays, especially when difficult or tense conversations (such as politics or religion) arise?
Holcomb: One option is to tell your family before the holidays which topics are off-limits and why. That way, there are no surprises. Then, if difficult conversations still come up, you can remind them of what was already agreed upon and change the topic. I also enjoy using humor to shift the conversation's direction. You could also get up and walk away or be direct and say: “I don’t want to have this conversation right now, can we please change the subject?"
What advice do you have for people who feel anxious before family gatherings because of differing views, lifestyles, or conflicts in the past?
Holcomb: It’s so normal. Holidays bring up so many emotions, and family relationships can be challenging, especially if there are differing opinions or beliefs. The best advice I can offer is to trust your gut and do what is best for you. The holidays should not mean that you sacrifice who you are, your comfort level, or even your safety for anyone, including family. Setting boundaries is okay, saying no is okay, choosing you is okay. And if family members are not validating, affirming, and accepting of who you are, you can choose to spend the holidays with a community that is.
What are some signs of emotional burnout during the holidays, and how can people manage it before it builds up?
Holcomb: Emotional burnout can look like exhaustion, overwhelm, irritability, and difficulty completing tasks (e.g. holiday cooking or shopping). It is so important to spot the signs and take care of yourself before you reach burnout. Slowing down, taking on manageable tasks, delegating, setting boundaries, and knowing when to rest or when you’ve reached capacity will help manage burnout. The holidays are supposed to be fun! If you aren’t having fun, it's a good time to regroup and reevaluate why that is and what you can change.
How can someone tell they’re ready to bring a new romantic partner around their family for the holidays? What signs suggest a relationship is at the right stage for that kind of introduction to extended family?
Jeter: The clearest signs that someone is ready to bring a new romantic partner around their family for the holidays are that (1) both partners agree that they’re willing to, and (2) both partners are clear about the commitment level of the relationship. Neither partner should feel coerced into attending a family gathering. The relationship doesn’t have to be very committed, but sometimes family members will assume that bringing someone home is a sign of commitment. But the couple should be clear about what it means to go home for the holidays and what implications that has for the commitment level in their relationship.
What if one partner feels ready to meet the family, but the other doesn’t? How can they navigate that mismatch?
Jeter: It may be important to understand why one partner doesn’t feel ready or why the other partner is eager for them to spend time with their family. Sometimes, a mismatch isn’t about the actual event, but the meaning behind it (i.e., commitment levels of the relationship). Also, people have different expectations around family holiday celebrations. One partner may view family holidays as sacred and for the family only, while another partner may see such celebrations as more casual, with an “all are invited” mentality. It is essential to have conversations about what family gatherings mean and the family's boundaries or rules for inviting significant others.
What conversations should couples have before attending a big family gathering? Even if it’s not their first time attending together.
Jeter (pictured right): Families are their own culture. When we’re in our own culture, we’re very comfortable. But for an outsider, it really can feel like visiting a completely new land. It would be very helpful to discuss the family culture surrounding everyday routines, holiday rituals, family rules, and people’s roles. What seems normal to one person may seem very unusual or novel to another. Providing some background information on how or why a certain family holiday tradition originated is important.
Expectations should be clear and spoken. For example, “My dad is probably going to expect you to play golf with him. Is that someone you’re comfortable doing? If not, I will intercede.” Also, couples should discuss practical things like sleeping arrangements, how meals are handled, public displays of affection, and conversational topics that may be “off limits.” Lastly, couples should have a game plan in case things go off track or don’t seem to be going well. They can have a secret sign or code word when they need to regroup and discuss things during the visit.
What can family members do to make a new partner feel welcome and comfortable?
Jeter: Family members can make a new partner feel welcome by showing interest in them and intentionally including them in family activities. They can also show hospitality by being accommodating to things like food preferences or small comforts. Family members can go the extra mile by trying to incorporate one of the new partner’s family traditions or encouraging the new partner to contribute to the family gathering. Putting aside time to get to know them through conversation shows genuine, welcoming interest.
It’s important to show that you’ve done your homework ahead of time, too. Perhaps saying, “Juanita told us that you liked vanilla coffee creamer, so there is some in the fridge for you,” signals that you prepared for their visit.
How can people handle family members who may be overly inquisitive or judgmental about a new relationship?
Jeter: There are various ways people can handle family members who may be overly inquisitive or judgmental about a new relationship. One approach is to be very direct and discuss this issue with family members before the visit occurs. However, if that’s not possible, having a few “taglines” prepared to share can feel empowering. For example:
I always recommend that the partner who is introducing the new romantic partner should take the lead for the couple. This means they should be setting more of the boundaries, as they have more comfort with their own families. Any feedback will be received more effectively from a family member (rather than a new partner).
